4hours. on the couch. reading New Moon. 4 solid hours. it helps that i'm fasting, so no breaks. except for when i had to do my prayers. even that Momster had to threaten to empty the water contents of the vase over my head.

"ok just keep away from the book. it's barely 2 days old."

the couch is a part of my ass. &the book is a part of my hands>:F

TEAM JACOB! vampires are so 5minutes ago. it's werewolves the new vampire>:F

both have fangs.

now i'm on the couch, with the laptop. waiting for 8 Simple Rules to load.

there, the story of my life.
Someone special blogged @ 10:10 PM l

euphoric. i am. extremely, excruciatingly euphoric. i can't wait to start on it. Eclipse is already out on the shelves:D at 40bucks:'( but fish, i'll get my hands on it anyhoo. i always get what i want>:F

i have a feeling that in the near future that kindar attitude is gunna break me some how. but for now! grr>:F

went shopping for guitar. there's one at Cash Converters going on for 200 only. i like! but Hannan was like, "A brand new one, Lela. a brand new one." I know, I KNOWWW. wasn't it the wise I who said, "either we get a good one, or don't get any at all."

yes, but after spending 20bucks on a book &another 10 to develop yet another bunch of pictures, i'm thinking....the 200 second hand guitar is fine:)

..ok luh it depends on how much i can get selling the current gee.

ok i'm off to ..induce death upon myself by eating those hard-as-cement &black as the hair growing out of my scalp walnut brownies we sisters had attempted to bake. well, we are trying to put the impression that the brownies are to die for(excuse the pun) because it's annoying how Gmum makes fun of us.... she had given it one fleeting glance &concluded that it is a disaster.

"hah, tu macam mana nak makan tu?"

that's a good point.

she tried poked a fat finger into the brownies but couldn't because 1)her finger is fat and 2)the brownies are as hard as cement. i mean the toothpick broke into half, damn it, the bit still stuck in the brownie. but that's not as bad as fact that we almost burn the kitchen down because there was smoke coming out of the oven.

so we're not culinary-ly inclined!!!! who's fault is that!

if you happen to drop by my place for hari raya, avoid the black walnut brownies. well, if you're daring, by all means, help yourself. i mean, i'm eating it. just that it will take probably days to digest a small bite. you've been warned.

Kama, i think i'll take up your offer to ..take up cooking lessons with you>:F
Someone special blogged @ 8:11 PM l

here's a little something i whipped up for my dearest littlest sister.



happy 13th birthday, Syakila Ismail:P i hope you like the video! it was a bitch mixing it! you had better like it! i even included your beloved Gerard Way &Johnny Depp somewhere. THEN AGAIN!!!!!you damn, you're attached already what the hell! have you any idea how that makes ME, the eldest sister, look????? bet not! ......if this Amin guy breaks your heart, tell me ok. now i won't be able to beat him up but i can get Lina to do it:) because you know we both love you.

go ahead &make us all damn proud.
Someone special blogged @ 3:27 PM l

nana suddenly asked: "do you think you're a good friend." boom. smack in the head.

before i could answer, one of the macs lady sat next to me, put her arm over my shoulder as if we've met(she did took my order who thats not counted) and asked: "wanna take picture?"

she pointed to the mirror against the wall which is pasted with pictures of unfortunate customers who mouths were greasy with salt and oil from eating too much fries.

"hell no," i told her. but she kept insisting!! nana hid behind her burger to avoid being involved. thanks. what a great friend.

after i threatened not coming here ever again, the lady stopped pestering me.

answering nana's question: if i said no, id be lying. you call it ego, i call it honesty. haha definitely not modest but youve gotta give me a little credit for my.. bold honesty. hahha.

....okie now as i think over about some other stuffs, i dont think that ive been entirely a good friend. well. she said good..not perfect. so there.

nana and i both agreed though: umairah's one good example of a great friend(: meyaa we love you so!!!!

we were talking and then someone hit me hard on the back. choked on my burger. turned around. bloody hell, hongsui. there's such a word called "hi, hotass" you know. he pissed us off so bad, that bastard.

nabila, nj, jocey, shahina and a couple more came over.. they were surprised to see us with a fatass pri5 boy. i told them i hadnt met him in my life till now.

then hongsui called my name and nabila was like, "well..obviously not the same for him..." bulls... then something funny happened.

hongsui: (stared at nabila)
nabila: oi. why are you staring at my face!?
hongsui: where got!?
nabila: nevermind. i understand.. haha ceh!
hongsui: yuek! your face got so many pimples, no one will like you!
lela: not true! i like her! ..(fine i didnt say this. i said this instead: hahahahahhaha!)
nabila: (glared at him and said as cold as ever) then, you so fat nobody will like you. (she later regretted because she realized she's not exactly miss slim herself. LOL!)

nana and i were lmao-ing and nj at the background was saying, "wahh..just met and already exchanging criticsm."

then jocey came over and joined in: "your teeth so big, nobody will like you." (she wanted to say fat but she thought that would be mean..she didn't know nabila had just called him fat."

that managed to drive him off. well. not really. he kept coming back, that dickhead. nabila threatened to throw the baby chair at him and we were all chanting, "get lost get lost!"

goshhhh..so fun(:

KEKEKS, BOLEH?? HAHAHAHAHA. omg i miss that! i miss Nabila, NJ, &Jocey!!!! i miss that little Macs along thomson which is no longer there now. &i definitely remember Hongsui. he's such an asshole:) ok, he was this kid from Ai Tong primary i had tutored. yup. hm, he was 10years old then. so you do the math. i wonder how he's going now!!!!

ok guilty. i've been reading back old posts the past HOURS like i've nothing to do. wait, i have nothing to do. i've done watching Top Model(Team Jael, woohoo!), &Top Model always inspires me to work on my sad photography skills hence browsing around dA because that's where you find amazing photography. to be a good photographer, you've got to check out other photographer's work &learn a thing or two.

so since i was on the net, i thought i'd dropped by the old blog &read some old posts like i've nothing else to do and i really didn't have much to do. but ey it's good reading back!!!!!!!!! i was funny back then. annoying, the way i blogged sometimes, but i could tell that i was happy then. felt like i was actually living.

to live life is to surround yourself with the people you love, &being able to be let your afro out &be your complete true self. absolutely. no. fronting.

i miss that freedom.
Someone special blogged @ 12:28 AM l

hello there:)

i stumbled upon my old blog:') It's all pretty now, with proper layout...how come i don't remember revamping it? but anyhoos. it was good reading back. what my life was about 3years ago today. uh huh!

basically my world then revolved around school. well, it seemed that's all i could write about! going to school, surviving through the routined(laughter-filled) lessons with a fat physics teacher, a fannoying math teacher etc. &the friends:)

it's quite a mouthful! so i've helped you sift &pick out some memorable ones here.

then there's one which had scared the living shit out of me:

I should start from the beginning.
Haha. Yes. I should.
I think the whole thing was pret-tie fun.
Going from room to room, seeing doctors to doctors..
Haha. I'm not kidding.
The nurses rock.
I think I should consider being one.
When I grow up, that is(:

1 word: holy crow.
Someone special blogged @ 2:12 PM l

“How vain it is to sit down to write, when you have not stood up to live.” - Henry David Thoreau

thanks Mr.T. i will remember this the next time i get the urge to not get out of bed. which was what i did luh today..wednesday morning. woke up like at 3in the afternoon.... so i'm compensating the hours lost. here i am.

it's time to live. idk how, but i will try to live. gots to figure out the definition of live first....
Someone special blogged @ 12:41 AM l

am done being in denial, so now i'm letting it out of my system: I AM AN IMPULSIVE SHOPPER. i went out &thirty dollars finished! gone! from my wallet. no more! what happened!

i bought this huge black sketch book. &i developed some photos. my intention was to make the sketchbook into some kind of a portfolio. but after i got some not-so-bad photos developed, i realised, they don't look so good after all............. then i felt somewhat embarrassed; macam mana punya bagus, nak buat portfolio. so that was a waste of money and time!

then i had a huge black empty sketchbook &a bunch of random photos &i didn't know what to do with it.

so i decided to make it into a scrapbook where i throw in all my favorite things:D in a form of photographs. in a way like a portfolio, but less serious luh. there isn't like the formal stuff luh. more of snapshots of my friends, my cats, etc. can't wait to start. i'm gonna make it worth the $30.

i hope i won't screw it:O i always screw things i touch. that, or before i manage to screw it, i grow bored and leave it halfway. i thuck, thumtimth.
Someone special blogged @ 7:53 PM l

i have sloth syndrome. and i swear Killer is showing symptoms of bipolar disorder. Ish, jahat. betol2 kang......:D kidding luh, kidding. her birthday is coming &i kindar said i'd get her a guitar. i mean, i'm totally into it, we all could new a new decent gee. so i told Momster about it. she isn't too pleased lei.

she suggested dinner at Pizza. i reminded her the last time we did that, we all ended up wanting to kill each other. &she was like, "what the hell are you talking about!!!! maner ader! jangan cakap bukan2!" denial. good practise during the fasting month huh.

i meant to go out with Lina today, but she had classes after 2. boo. so i thought fine i can have fun by myself. so i got ready &then i opened the door to leave...mak kau. have you seen the weather!!!! it's filthy hot!!!!!!!! so i thought better, shut the door behind me &decided to use the computer..........

"cepat balek," Momster quipped.
"maner ader! jangan cakap bukan2!"

remember i mention something about making a music video? i meant like this:


kekeks.
Someone special blogged @ 2:45 PM l

hello:) i've 2weeks of break before i'm off to another week of attachment at KKhospital. so 2weeks huh! alot of things can happen in 2weeks!

i have no idea what to do for the next 2weeks. then to make it worst i found out my sisters don't want to go out anywhere with me because they'd rather go out with their boyfriends. okfine if that's what it takes!!! pout!

why do i get bored so easily?



incomplete
Someone special blogged @ 8:41 PM l

i think it's warped. people's perception of IMH. or mental patients to be precise. relatives asked me how they are like &i tell them they are pretty stable most of the time. riots? well, i won't call it riots luh. because the staffs are that efficient:D anything unusual, we'll come to intervene. boring? also not really. there's alot to discover in a mental ward.

people associate mental patients with ..a strait jacket. in a secluded, paded room. making a nuisance. talking &laughing to themselves. well, in a way they do. talk &laugh to themselves. but it's hardly disruptive... no wait, i take that back:D i so take that back. HAHA.

BUT STILL. there's something about ignorant people, when they think mental patient, they are quick to judge. mental patients = crazy = get the hell away from them. on the contrary, during these 2weeks experience at IMH, i don't remember using the term crazy to describe them at all.

so-and-so was ok one second &the next on the floor she was, crying &wailing like a baby. but i didn't flinch away thinking to myself, "crazy old hag." so-and-so was mumbling away &laughing at a personal joke before scribbling into a piece of paper little meaningless, repetitive squibbles. i didn't stare incredulously at her &think, "haha! what a crazy old woman!" so-and-so was on bed, legs crossed, chanting incoherently in a growling voice, looking like she was possesed, but i didn't run away thinking, "she's absolutely crazy!!! what the fuck am i doing here????"

i didn't, idk why i didn't :S

maybe it's the effect of wearing the uniform. macam transformer ler... i told you, nursing alters you. but i'm still slow:D as evident by the observation Evelyn made after being stuck with me every attachment hence the conclusion: "cannot specialised under A&E". i agree....... &AisyaJ second that: "if you staff nurse, i suspect your ward will be damn relax" as evident by the pace i was normally at. pace? more like some kind of a stance i'm in. "your voice when you call patient very sweet," Huifen gushed that day. what!!! there is a link, ok!!!!:P

"call my name lei."
".....HUIFEN AR." deliberately anything but sweet.

IMH could be my kind of hospital in the future..... because we were discussing, Naz, AisyaJ &I, &somehow at the end of it i was convinced that being a staff nurse at IMH ain't that bad luh....... it has the highest pay, &it's not so stressing compared to a medical ward. because more than majority mental patients are mobile &independent. unless on restraint luh. staff nurses there mostly hang out with the doctors (as in check-up) which could take up the whole morning. then they spend the rest of the shift writing report, which i am getting a hang of because i had been practising:DDDD (there's more to this, definitely) &occasionally hang out at the day lounge with the patients.

IMH could just be my future. thanks, Naz, for helping me see better.

wait, i'm sidetracking~~

reflect, Ms Tay's favourite word when 'assessing' me just now. (i kindar totally fucked up my feedback form. it's supposed to be a reflection sort of feedback. like what i've learnt &stuff. instead i made it into a complaint:O but nothing brutal! i sugercoated it!.) so here i go. my reflection:

ya'll know my first day was a wreck. i was so sure that i was a goner. because it was all strange &novel &creepy to me. &i wasn't sure what was expected. but i grew to adapt. the hard way, by making mistakes, by being kanna kicked below the belt, by kanna spat at, by kanna verbally abused at, by kanna fingered at etc. skin must be thick. face must be fierce &voice must be assertive, yet must not lose the rapport that we nurses have built with the patients. you've got to love this work. it builds character.

so inevitably, ya'll know, i grew attached. i will never forget all the damn patients who have made up my IMH attachment experience. every. single. one. of. you. staffs &friends included.

&it's the fasting month! makes it even more memorable.

we organized a group activities on one of the days, right? first time being a ring leader, kindar. i was like, crap i can't talk in front of normal people without losing my cool, let alone talking to a group of mental patients???? but i was awright. ..i think. i didn't suck, i'm sure. i think i didn't suck at the psychoeducation as well. i swear one of the patients gave me goosebumps. but i didn't break down. i owned. i think! maybe it was because of Evelyn. her confidence gave me confidence. thanks, love. you may not know it, but i get all my energy from you! heehee. love you, Eve(ning). my humble avid reader. who doesn't tag.

anyway so that up-ed my confidence:) most importantly, i had fun. i sounded like i knew what i was doing at that time! but i swear i had no idea. leave all to spontaneity &pray like hell that i don't do anything stupid.

i made new friends. &old friends became new. there's always something new that we've learn about another person, even if we've been friends for like a while:) like now i know how HF feels about me. HAHAHA. &that Evelyn is head over heels for my kejababom hair. HAHAHAHAHHAHA. &AisyaJ can be damn damn damnably ugly &burok, besides being tall &beautiful. HAHAHAHAHHA. omg i am seriously cracking up. but anyways.

last day was sweet.

we didn't do much. HAHA. as usual. besides interacting with the patients, feeding those on restraint, yada-yada. we did the usual passing-report at 7.03am. then we were in the dorm, getting the patients ready for breakfast. well, at least there was the intension. heh. rounded the 30-over patients to the day lounge. they hung out there til noon. we hung out with them, but most of the time we were in our own circle. last day ler...:D we weren't slackers! it's completely allowed there, see. the mental patients amuse themselves.

taught HF a malay phrase: "aper kau melalot, setan?" i taught her to say it proper(i.e to Evelyn when she starts one of her musings.HAHA). HF's damn hilarious, the way she nailed it. i didn't thought she would immediately apply it to practice! called to this malay patient(our favourite, whom we will miss very dearly), who, standard, would start babbling. 2weeks ago, we couldn't understand her. but now tampok2 luh:D slowly we're beginning to get her. so anyway, while she was naturally babbling away, HF said to her, "aper kau melalot, setan?" my face, pure horror. was like, SHIT LUH HUIFEN~she's MALAY &you just called her setan! you do not offend a mental patient!!! but luckily patient was a bit slow &innocent. was like, aper setan???

"aper kau melalot, *Saleha," HF quickly amended &i burst my ass laughing because it happened so quick &HF was like so deadpan, but it was evident the slight panic that overwhelmed her. &she was exaggeratedly nice. i mean the phrase was supposed to be said quite harshly. it's equivalent to saying: what are all those fucked words coming out of your mouth, damn it? but HF's tone made it sound like..the nicest words to say. so damn nice &demure. it's the funniest thing ever.

*real name not used for obvious reasons

oh &uhm, i temporarily misplaced my pen luh hor. &you know me, when i lose my pen, i will completely lose myself. "it's a writer's thing". so during my break, i was a little restless luh. since i was fasting, i had a lot of time in my hand. so i did a report. meant to tickle:

(tried scanning but failed for some reason. so shot instead..)

(click to enlarge if you must)

then i thought it's quite a good idea. to write report. so i wrote more, with the help of Evelyn:D she has quite a way with words as well luh. we shall work together in the future, Eve:D start a revo. or something.

these was made through thorough 2week observation. some truth in it hor! ain't made up!:) but a little twisted to make it humorous luh.
remember i mentioned that i lost my pen? it was in HF's pocket all along. she had took in by accident:D speech therapist because she's trouble enunciating some words:D which is what makes Huifen, Huifen:D

need not say more:D

hoh yea i so remember the time we had to wait for her outside the toilet while she did her thang when she did that thang that thang......:P


LiPei, unlike the 4of us, was the sensible one, apparently...

oh &during break, AisyaJ &i were nodding off when were woken up by someone singing. we didn't have to search for the voice; it was coming from the window a floor above us. we saw a silhouette behind the window. a patient was singing out loud.

she has a pleasant voice:D like all mental patients i've noticed!!! it's a mystery how they could sound so damn good when they sing! so this malay patient was singing, to us apparently, from the window. dude, i requested a hari raya song. &she sportingly sang me a hari raya song. we clapped when she was done &promised to vote for her.

the last 2hours of the day were spent in the interview room. Miss Tay totally left us alone to slack. dude. 2hours of just talking talking talking. from one topic to another. from girls in school, to religions, to ghost stories. got spooked a couple of times, because Li Pei didn't shut the door properly &it swung open by itself. my back was facing the door, so i was unaware until i noticed the horror on AisyaJ &HF's face. ..&Evelyn's scream. if it really were a ghost, i'd prbably be a goner first. instead of running for my life, i impulsively turned around. Jangan Pandang Belakang holds on meaning on my sympathetic nervous system?

i realised that i'm not a screamer. that's a huge problem. im the sort that either freeze, flee(or flow). no screaming in between. my vocal cords don't work that way. idk why. apparently they freeze &flee with me:D

i've been waiting for this day. i'm glad it came. a little sad to part, but relieved as well. i know i will miss them all.

i wonder if the patients will remember us like we will them. i wonder if we've touched their lives like they've touched ours.

they've touched my life in a way that they made me open my mind: i diminish the mentality that they are crazy people i must keep a distance from. they are not crazy; just a little ill. they made me open my heart: i've learnt to accept them for who they are, not by what their illness is, because it's not about what illness the person has, but what kind of person has the illness. &they made me open my eyes: that we healthy people are all damn lucky &we should count our bloody blessings that our loved ones are not suffering from mental illness. i am counting my bloody blessings:)

dude, i think i've started to subconsciously treat my family members like they are mental patients. as in i approach them with a open, friendly expression, &i initiate little conversations that may seemed small &insignificant. i make little gestures that i don't make before. little small differences but the difference i can feel. i mean, i smile at my grandparents when i see them in the kitchen, being a clown, making them laugh, joking &teasing. i don't do that normally! who does that! usually we all don't acknowledge family members!

i stepped into IMH completely clueless &lost. i came out, what i hope, a better nurse, a better person.
Someone special blogged @ 10:52 PM l

I know my name is on your lips
when you're touching her
fucking her
blurring the pain
(to numb is too much)
perpetuating this bitter blister
now marring the page
I know you wish it was me underneath
ripping you
licking you
pulling you close
pulling you deep
screaming this need
didn't have to be this way
never seem to make you stay
hating you
wanting you
waiting in vain
"I miss you, I love you!" I cry
and bleed your name

i've let go but it always find its way back to me. cause some things are just so damn hard to move on from.

but i'm okay:) today has been great. couldn't ask for a better day. updates on last day of IMH soon!!!!<3
Someone special blogged @ 6:48 PM l

i sat for buka with the family, zonked after a 3hour nap after my AMshift. i miss the family, i realized, as we were all passing around the kurma. i miss the family.

idk where they are now.

tomorrow is the last day. wow. 2weeks gone by liao. i will miss the ward. sincerely. but i don't wanna go back:D but i will miss the ward!!!! will miss the patients:)

the sense of missing, there are 2kinds. as i kindar just vaguely shared. missing someone can be bittersweet, the kind that brings a smile upon your face. another form of missing someone can be unpleasant lei. as in one would rather not think about it. i don't mind reminiscing back the experience i've gained in the ward, the Evils i got from the patients when things don't get their way.... but i honestly..honestly! would rather not think of you.

i thought of you today.

damn Thursday. slow &lazy Thursday. trying to keep wake by reading back the messages on the phone. came across yours &i was suddenly overwhelmed by the memories of you.

stupid asshole. made me batal my puasa.

missing you is depressing. missing the idea of you is cruel. it's like, eh it's nothing to do with you it's me me me &my thoughts of you. of having someone. it's like i just like you being with me, instead of i like being with you. does that make sense? i like you because you're there. your mere existence. it sounds powerful &well, flattering, at the same time, completely wrong. it's like you could be any Tom, Dick or Harry. not you YOU.

but missing you YOU is depressing.

a friend once told me, we can't forget someone we loved but we sure damn can make ourselves hate them!

like i said, Thursday was slow &lazy.
Someone special blogged @ 8:25 PM l

i took 88 with Naz just now because tomorrow is a morning shift. got home 40minutes early but for nothing in the end. because i'm watching grey's anatomy!! i'm Team Alex Kareb<3 yar anyways. i'm making this a quickie:

today damn slack. because there was staff meeting so we officially started shift at 3pm:) ordered Canadian Pizza for buka. hung out with Huifen alot &i think i will miss working with her:) we had a ball conversing with the rhyming patient. but one minute she was laughing with us the next she was giving us the Evils. throwing tantrums like a 10year old. &i thought only kids stamp their feet.

idk who started the whole Peace thing. AN Marisol i think. now everyone in the ward is like, PEACE! here &PEACE! there. the whole finger tips touching &all. we do it so often it has lost its significance....... if it could ever. but yar. like no more meaning already. it's like not cool anymore when you see all the mental patients doing it. haha! not implying anything. some things are just like that: when do it over &over, it loses its magic. like saying i love you. uh huh.

what else happened today ar?

Evelyn was traumatized because she found out i wore sneakers with baju kurung:) dude, i was 10years old? i know it's like fashion suicide, but eh, i pulled it off ok:D i even wore the songkok:) ok, kid. but i had no matching shoes!!! anyway i fall alot with high heels. &sometimes i bring people down with me. i am so clumsy yesterday i spilled my chicken cabonara at 7evelen. i was supposed to have that for my breakfast. thank god there was Naz &her homecooked macaroni.

we were singing nursery rhymes, the 4of us. we concluded AisyaJ &HF, &Eve &I were like from another planet during our childhood or something. HAHA! because our nursery rhymes totally differ. either that or maybe our kindergarten teachers sucked:) yet to check with Vas. hahapfft.

yesterday! was a tuesday. we conducted a mini lesson consisting on like 5of the patients? 5very scary patients. &scary holds many definition.... one demanding, one damn irrelevant, one intimidating.... but we pulled it off... so it was awright. but felt like being in a room with a pack of wolves... can't we just sing &dance? less stress. :DDDDDD

i had my boobs measured by this patient named Evelyn Tan:P HAHAHA. ok inside joke. hey, flat is the new phat, right.

HF must be careful cause i might fall in love with her. like AisyaJ might fall in love with Peiru.... like we all might fall in love with SN Jun:) who is like the hottest, most attractive nurse in IMH~ ceh, macam faham.

2more days. peace.
Someone special blogged @ 11:09 PM l

today damn memorable.

i adored this patient. because she's cute. ......ok, sounds wrong. some patients make you want to love them, because they are so ..needy. like an oversized baby. this patient was one of the many oversized babies. except she's on restraint. ha-ha.

today she was an angry baby. crying on &off. she looked pissed off &i thought maybe the restraint on her right wrist was too tight or something, so i wanted to adjust it. that was when she growled at me. then i reeled back, guarded. then i thought, "damn she looks like she could kick me."

&so shefucking did.

haiyak dush-ed right there in the pelvis.

it hurt. but not as much as the embarrassment. i mean, she's an old lady. she's on a fucking restraint. you see where i'm coming from?

what does this teach you? never underestimate a mental patient. she may be tied, but when she's angry, she is angry &you stay the fuck away. i learnt it the nasty way:D fucked up sey. but i still think she's cute. she can be adorable when she's ..not violent. feeding her used to be a pleasure because she would smile! doesnt sound like a big deal but idk, in this line of work, if you see a smile on your patients face, that's all that matters. maybe it's just me luh hor?

something's wrong today luh. the good patients turned bad, the bad ones turned good. aka ..let's call her B:) B used to be damn fierce. see the way she verbally abused the staffs, makes my hair stand on end. we all run when we see her walking our way. we'd turn the other &avoid eye contact. but today B was so nice.

&frankly? it was scarier. because normally we'd avoid her, but now we can't because she'd be like all smiles &polite &we were obliged to layan her. it was like walking on egg shells.

i was extra mellow today. sorry, AisyaJ. she was like, kau ok tak. slenger sey. IT'S MONDAY SO WE'RE ALL ALLOWED TO BE SLENGER:P i believe luh. i'll be back tomorrow:D

we had Macs for break fast today. Evelyn ordered for us heehee. she is so nice. we'll be having pizza on Wednesday, so Eve, you know the drill. haha;)

felt like today time flew. 4more days. i'll miss the patients. i won't miss the whole attachment thing but i will miss the patients. as Lela, an individual, not as a nurse. does that make sense? i don't wish to come back as a nurse, but maybe to visit? maybe as a volunteer? haha, macam faham:D

idk luh. but i'll miss the patients, definitely. ok how many times have i said that???? ~i'll miss that rhyming patient, who seems to say the exact same thing to every missy who walk by. &it always starts with: "wa mao telepon gua mudder(i wanna call my mother)". Huifen does a great impersonation of her. hilarious.

but seriously, i think it's quite sad. her mother's in a nursing home now, but before this she used to visit her here. her mind keeps thinking she's at home &she'd always remind her to bring her toothpaste, new bra &underwear, new pair of slippers whenever she'd come to visit. because the mother's in a nursing home, she can't possibly do all that. heck, she can't even answer the call. so we resort to pretending to be the mother &talk to her &say things like, "ok you be good &when i am free i will come &visit." &she'd guai guai believe &hang up. but tomorrow, she'd insist on calling again. repeating the same line: "wa mao telepon gua mudder."

it's sad:( but we gotta be cruel to be kind. cause what she doesn't know won't hurt her, right? but still. if i were her, i wouldn't like it. it's like living a lie!

but i guess when you're suffering from schizophrenia, the rules change.
Someone special blogged @ 10:51 PM l

first &second day of Ramadhan were spent in the ward, as it was PMshift. breaking fast with all of you girls. 9of us if i'm not wrong, so imagine the atmosphere just before 7.05pm:) it could have been a 10 if Zu would join us!!!!! but ohwell. that's so Zu:) ahmizzu!

first day, most of us had instant noodles from 7eleven, because the wonderful cafeteria closes after 4.30pm! whattabuck.. &IMH is nowhere near anywhere, cause the place is like pretty secluded from civilization. quite sad lei. Second day was still from 7eleven luh, most of us. idk why the rest(me) can't be bucked to lunchbox from home... but heh, Zaf is our kurma-provider:)

quite sad lei. i mean, first few days of Ramadhan lei. it's quite a deal, because we all would rather break fast at home, right? with the whole family. instead of being here at IMH, having to rely on AisyaJ's mother to tell us the time. didn't feel like Ramadhan, hence, because we didn't get to hear the azan from the radio.... you know, the feel.

but eh, thank god though, for the company:) all 9of ya'll. it feels like going out &buka-ing together with friends, a must, only that the circumstances are different. what with being at IMH in our uniforms. oh &uh, not so desirable food? &the occasional anonymous screaming going on just above us, &a patient's mother pestering us.

"uh, isn't she one of our patient's mother?" AisyaJ. &she is. she's over that often, who wouldn't recognise her? we later found out she was looking for ward23.

"she's got another daughter admitted here?" i gasped, incredulous. "it runs in the family."

then later after more fuss, we realised she actually got the ward wrong..... even after being over so many times.

it definitely runs in the family:)

but i'm not complaining:) we all are getting the hang of it, since we've 3more days of 'breaking fast together'.

but that's next week.

it's the weekend!! &i can't wait for a proper buka:D

happy fasting<3
Someone special blogged @ 12:14 PM l

remember him? he strikes again sial....

of course i was fucking furious. but i couldn't be stuffed. i mean, try surrounding yourself with 30-over mental patients for more than 7hours. come home &let's see if you still have time to layan stupid people &their stupid idiosyncrasies. like sorry i'm offduty 2hours ago! stupid people. pelik siak! kau, macam nak bagi sepak one time. jangan bagi aku punye darah go up sia. hah kan. aku dah bobal macam minah rep.

what a chauvinist muthafucker.

more here. but it's locked:) friends only. because it shows the fugly side of me luh. that's why i shy to put it here........HAHA!?! since when i shy.

today i kanna shouted at. so that was memorable:P i think it's a norm, nurses being verbally abused hor? unless your name is Aisyah Johari luh. then you mostly get stuff like: "You're so beautiful" & "you're the best nurse". &yar fine luh, she is. but, tsk, cannot beat Zulaiha:P Zu's my ideal nurse. hee hee. i miss Zu. Ahmizzu!

..ok. shit. haha. i remind myself of this other patient who ....speaks in poetry? as in her words rhyme. but they don't make sense. like i have a bowl with dollars and cents and tomorrow everybody to the gents but dance along to the fence. but hokkien-nised. so what Hui Fen told me luh:D HF is a ball to have around. she's so cute. that rhyming patient is cute too:) ..because she behaves?:)

i realise it doesn't matter if you don't understand what the fuck they are telling you. just listen with your heart if you can't listen with your ears &brain. haha? i listened to this rhyming patient, who seemed to be so agitated but i didn't understand why. something to do with her money, her slippers, her husband..idk. but she looked terribly disturbed. so i gave her a sympathetic smile &gave her knee a pat. like, im here, physically &emotionally:D even if i don't comprehend the words coming out of your mouth. that is if they are even words luh.

then she broke into a huge smile, which made me smile too! eh that was simple! sincerity, that's all you need.

maybe she has bipolar idk.....................

we organized activities for them today. maybe that was why time seemed to pass by quicker. it was fun! response was overwhelming, seeing that i had zero expectations that any of them would participate. but a few did. a very few did, but it's ok because it was fun nevertheless. i had fun!? because they had fun. we were dancing &singing &all.

actually it was more like, they were trying to out-sing each other. one would step up &sing her heart out. then another one, not satisfied, would try to sing. louder, more melodramatic. then another one. then the first one went up again. it went a little out of control though...... &i was trying to summarize what we had done in a form of ending the activity &also for evaluation luh, but they kept interrupting because they wanted to be The last one standing. that wasn't very nice. Miss Tay looked troubled, though she was good at covering it. it's all the years of training working at IMH huh, Sister T?

before i went for my break she was singing &dancing with us, when i came back she was restrained. ..no, not Sister. HAHA! this patient who i kanna shouted by. because she was restrained i had to feed her lunch luh. but she refused. she wanted to feed herself. she demanded i released her. but i told her i can't. so she raised her voice at me.

idk what it was she screamed. it was just very loud &very abrupt. i think i stopped breathing for a few seconds &i just went blank. it's not like how your mother screamed at you; it's worst. mothers scream at you because they care. mental patients scream at you because they hate you.

luckily i was quick to recover. you have to, in this line of work. otherwise you can get nothing done. she seemed to recover from her outburst as well. because after that, she shut up for a bit. i let her feed herself. it seemed uncomfortable, having to lean forward like that. i was uncomfortable having to kneel between her &this other patient who had a violent history.

so she was stuffing her face, when suddenly she stopped. stared at me. i gave her a nod &smiled, as if i held the consent for her to speak. "i want to be a singer," she said. i told her that's great, because she has a nice voice. &she does! seriously! continued stuffing. stopped. stared at me, mouth full but she didn't show any progress of chewing. then she did it.

she apologised.

"i am sorry."

"why!?"

"because i shouted at you."

i wanted to cry i tell you. nobody said sorry to me before! &she looked downright sincere. i was so moved. like she was seriously at remorse.

"it's ok," i told her. &meaning it:)

"WAHHHH," someone started crying &it ain't me. this patient who accused me of stealing her ring. (at that point of time, she was clutching my hands &i swear, i was thinking things like, omg she is going to break my thumb, because that's where my ring is at. omg she is going to bite my thumb off. omgomgomg. no wait, she can't; she only has one tooth. but nothing like that happened, thank god. i hadn't lost a thumb. hadn't lost anything except maybe my sanity. pending.)

Aisyah J, kalau nak berak, amat menyusahkan orang!!! ..ok, random. HAHA! AisyahJ &Naz are like my poly attachment version of Salmia&Nabila<3

uhm is it obvious how AisyahJ &I sometimes stare dreamily at Peiru???:)

"what's your ideal friend?" Sister T asked.

"short." Aisyah.

"curly-haired." Evelyn.

HAHAHAHHA. I LOVE YOU GUYS.

Sister T doesn't call me Lydia/Leda/Leela anymore:)

i hope to survive tomorrow. PM SHIFT!!!! &first day of Ramadhan! i'm already thinking what to have for my break fast. hee hee.

include me in your prayers tonight:') loveforever!
Someone special blogged @ 6:09 PM l

ignore Kama's cute little right foot.... HAHA. i stepped on a stupid muddy puddle &got my shoe all nasty. &with my state of hair (today it seemed to take a life of its own. ok it always takes a life of its own, but today it's like more advanced), i looked like i came out of the mental hospital.

i did came out of the mental hospital. from work, that is. damn it why aren't we paid. our lives are practically at stake here:'( confined in a room with 30-over mental patients &crappy staffs. thank god i'm with people like Eve, AisyahJ, HF etc. what am i without them? probably crash &burn. &admit myself to vacant bed36.

my hair seemed to be the center of attention today. ..it was the center of attention yesterday too. so this patient was admiring my hair &it was damn obvious she was admiring my hair though idk what is there to be admired. fact that it's jet black i think? i looked at her &smiled. Li Pei who happened to be with me, asked her in mandarin, what she's looking at when it was so bloody obvious. you can't miss my hair.

they shared a conversation, once in a while stopped to look at me(my hair) again. patient gestured to her hair. talking animatedly. i couldn't take it anymore. my curiosity &suspicion intensified. Li Pei translated everything to me later.

basically patient loved my hair. &she was genuine about it &all..... but i looked at her bouncy shoulder-length hair &i think, are you kidding? her hair is good for someone as old as her. she even has hairclips. &i seriously think she's very pretty looking:) she's got the eyes &the lashes &everything. she said i should keep my hair long &tie it in a ponytail. awww. will think about it.

heck, i was center of attention. thanks, Tay!!!? LUCKILY Durrani wasn't there luh. that guy probably had alot to say about my general appearance. hm, Eve was nice today. HAHA. it was so uncomfortable sey............ it's as though people were thinking very very very extra hard to think of something positive to say:P

i like the question Tay asked: "how do you find yourself?"

"SPECIAL."

no wait. "COOL". apparently that was when an old schoolmate thought i was when she bumped into me just now. "nurlela! You're a nurse!" she gushed. i said no, like so innocently. then i looked down at my uniform &was like dang, "oh yar i am." she pointed out my nasty shoes &i was like yar... "you're so cool," she said before we parted. "like most student nurses are so zeng-ed." thanks, Naura. i thought i looked shit in my uniform.

Kama shared with us how she interacted with her patients &i so admired her. her openness. i want to be like that. but it's not easy:( maybe it's part to do with my being a complete flake. &another part that is language barrier! i hate it! i hate not being to speak to them. i mean, i've been thinking, this posting is an opportunity for us to understand these people. to understand them is to know them is to love them is to talk to them..(not in any order).

anyway, it's not like we have anything else to do there......(&that is exactly why the place drives me crazy.) it's how we put it: if there's any form of reality insight that they have left, that would be us nurses. we keep them grounded. we're like gravity.

language is not the only barrier: there's that vast difference in perception & not to mention, reality. so what they say, you may not understand because they are so incoherent. &you think you're random????

reality reality reality. i've never used this term so much in one day before. that's because we've been taking it for granted all along, huh. i mean let's say i ask you, what's the worst thing to lose. you'd probably say your PSP, or your boyfriend, or your hair, your Mp3. reality? no, mp3. huh.

i look at these people (&will continue looking at them for the next 8days), &i think, shitthey've no sense of reality. they hear voices, they see things that aren't there, they have delusions, they think people are out to kill them &they are on their toes 24/7. i feel bad. no, worst than bad. i feel helpless. &the helplessness chokes.

Aisyah J &i spotted this patient who was walking about aimlessly with a blank expression on her face. so we beckoned her over to join us &you know, have a little talk. she came over but it seemed to take a lot out of her. like she was wary of us. she didn't talk even we prompted her so many times. then suddenly she reached out &touched my arm. i then stroked her arm.

"do you want to tell us something?" Aisyah asked. that was when she suddenly jerked. like she saw something &it scared her. &she got up &hurriedly left. her eyes came alive with fear &it was real. i've never seen that kind of genuine fear before. it sent shivers down my spine. what is it you see, that we don't? sometimes i wish i could share their fear. ....no wait...... touch wood....

pfft &we normal people, we'd probably want to lose ourselves from reality just because you can't handle it. if you can't handle reality, you can't handle anything else.

she tried to stab her eyes with Evelyn's pen. i don't dare say this posting is boring. this posting is never boring. we're keeping people alive here. it's different medical wise. because lives here are more fragile, if it isn't already. anything can happen. how can it be boring?

8more days. i'm adapting. ...ok that sounds wrong!!!!!!!!! i'm ...learning to blend it? oh even worst. let's just say, i'm less bitter, less scared, less pessimistic.

i think i can do this.
Someone special blogged @ 5:00 PM l

please raise your hand if you feel completely helpless &at lost, not to mention scared shit of the unpredictability &..quirkiness of the patients' behavior, &deep down you feel you'd rather go back to the ward &wipe cranky old men's cracks instead of planning appropriate structured activities suitable for the mentally ill &praying as hell you won't do anything stupid that might offend them. suddenly call bells ain't so bad. suddenly the distance from AMK &Simei ain't so bad. ..no wait. i don't think i can ever get used to getting up at 4.30am. hah. hahaha.

didn't felt like i had a wink of sleep last night. i don't think it's anxiety or excitement. i just can't sleep. so i willed myself. &every time i thought i had fallen asleep, i'd woke again. &felt like i hadn't slept at all. more like just the physical action of shutting my eyes. &fact that i had no trouble getting up when it was finally 6am......

here goes, i thought. please please please turn out ok.

IMH definitely looks like a resort from outside. "Hougang Chalet" ler konon. totally see it. it's so beautiful. OUTSIDE. inside, however, is like a fucking prison. it's so secluded &custodial. i mean if you ain't mad when you're admitted, you'd probably become mad. the place is just so depressing &so.. so..... irgh. painting the wall doesn't seem to help. i felt so wrong there.

&we can't be ourselves there. we have to be careful around them, so as not to offend them. especially the aggressive ones. even if we had no intention, they may just perceive our actions &behaviors wrong. &idk, hit us over the head or something. that sucks. no, not getting our heads hit over with, though that kindar sucks too, but i meant not being able to be ourselves there. we have to hold our tongues, fuck we can't even laugh. i mean Zaf was reprimanded by the security, damn it, for laughing????

entering ward32A took a whole lot from us. from outside, we could peeped in &i could see an old patient standing by the door, staring at us with sullen eyes. straight out of a ghost movie, you know the whole face-in-the-dark-corner idea? that creep me a little. Tay unlocked the door &we all walked in, prayers under out breath. i was the fucking last to enter &i felt someone close behind. i thought it was Suyi. but it was that old lady, staring right at me with those same empty, sullen eyes.

i had to tell myself, so they are mentally ill, but they are still a human being. &i am a fucking nurse. i am the "therapeutic tool"(pfft). i find it hard. because when i'm outside, &i do get mentally ill people in the street, &i normally ignore them. i don't like run away from them, i simply ignore them. but i can't possibly ignore them here, right? then what's the whole purpose of my posting here, damn it?

i want stubborn, cranky old patients who press the call bell every 3 minutes asking for the urinal. i want to talk to them, and not having to worry that they might say something weird(to put it loosely) &i won't be able to handle the situation. see i'm not scared of them; i'm scared of myself &how i'd react to them if they were to do something, you know, weird.

would i say i had fun today? yes, fun, but it's all nonwork related. i love the company:) it's good to see all the friends again~ new &old. the food at the cafeteria is good. Aisyah Johari &Naz are funny as balls. i mean pretty girls are not always so funny but them both are. as though they don't mind sounding like assclowns. damn they crack me up so bad.

it was 6 when i got home. kau, macam dari Simei. haha. see, Kama thought there was a 101 at that bus stop, &we waited for like half an hour but 101 didn't appear. Zaf got suspicious &went to investigate. there isn't a 101 at that stop!!!! so we had been waiting for a non existent bus. wasted our time. BUT NEVERTHELESS. guess who we bumped into! HAIZAD! a staff nurse at IMH. i'm not really a fan but Zaf's excitement was contagious. heh.

one day down, 9fucking more to go. it's like a life sentence. i wish i were more optimistic about this:'(
Someone special blogged @ 8:19 PM l

what's worst than feeling lonely? when you didn't ask for it? when you needed someone the most, but you don't understand why. nothing is exactly wrong with you, so why's this nagging feeling of .....needing someone??? wanting to be wanted. to be recognised? to be cared? or be listened to?

everything seems to be in periphery, out there but far within my reach. i have great friends. but why do i feel i can't confide in anyone of them?

i am so fucking glad for this coming attachment(tomorrow, yay!). i need something to occupy my head with. i need something interesting to write about instead of how fucked up i am. trust me, i've had alot of those, i just didn't publish them because it's humiliating to read back. &anyways, who cares?

i hope i don't get lost in the institute tomorrow. as if i haven't already. lost. hah. i absolutely have no idea what's in store tomorrow. &i hate that. not in the know. okwhatever. i'm just gonna have fun.

Someone special blogged @ 10:07 PM l

i am boring. i turned on the laptop &i was staring blankly at the screen as i waited for it to bring me to my desktop. then i realised. i am boring. i am freaking boring. i'm using freaking instead of fucking now. i am not myself, i am BORING.

right now i'm waiting for Supernatural to load on youtube. i am watching Supernatural on youtube on a friday night. i am that boring, i blog about being bored. with evidences.

i am officially miserable. i think it's because this week is coming to an end. then it'll be attachments. during the fasting month. not forgetting the exam results. &then year2 semester2, damn it.

i don't wanna be boring:'( my youth is so short! :O

stupid hormones.
Someone special blogged @ 11:57 PM l

that's what i shall named today:) hit two birds with one stone: i get to see my little (well, not so little now) younger cousins as well as hang out with both my sisters. haven't done that for a while! it was fun:) nc16 but fun nevertheless.



weather was hot. but i like how pictures turn out in this kind of weather. Killer looks wikid. EMOhair, whattahell! what the fuck how come she's got the straight hair gene? where did that come from!!!!

<3

i've finished reading Twilight. twice. most story books, after the last chapter, you completely forget about it. not Twilight. &it's such a brilliant book that even after reading it twice, i still find myself overwhelmingly ..into the story. the effect is still the same, if not stronger. i'm irrevocably in love with Edward Cullen:') ...for now.

Searching for the second book: New Moon. Searching..searching... hopefully to get it before my IMH attachment next week. speaking of which

AAAAAHHH I AM SO EXCITED. &a little apprehensive. you know how i am in new environment. a little bit of me kindar wish it's just another posting at the CGH ward, surgical preferably, where all's familiar. but! excited anyways. i've still yet to figure out how to get to the institution....

wow &it's the fasting month next wednesday huh.... 5days to stuff your face!!!!!!!!!!!! i know i'm gunna:)
Someone special blogged @ 11:02 PM l

A talent must be nurtured. I mean, you can be good at something but if you don't practice, or if you completely ignore that wonderful gift of yours, it's as good as being non existent.

See, there are two types of people: one who's a natural prodigy. the other who work to be it. I mean, let's say A is just amazing at ...flying kites. He's like the Tiger Woods of kite-flying, &it's just his first time holding a fucking kite. B sucks at it but he practices every day til he's so damn good, almost as good as A. I assure you, A won't stay long because he doesn't have what B has: the experience, the preparation &the mental strength to face the obstacle. &that only comes with motivation &hard work. Instead of becoming better, A becomes complacent &highly delusional because he thinks he's so damn grand.

I was A.

When I was a kid in primary school &I had to do an english composition for the first time, I cried. Because I had no fucking idea how to start. Momster left me alone &came back to see how I progressed: my exercise book was empty except for a hole on the page because I kept writing &erasing, writing &erasing. I could say that that was my very first challenge as a kid in school.

I managed through. I forgot how, but I managed. I handed in my composition, zero confident. So imagine my elation when it was returned back to me with 3stars &the word Excellent in. Dude, I was only Primary1? That boosted a great deal of self esteem. I love writing ever since. It was like that for the longest time; throughout primary &secondary school: I got highest for English &whatnot. Though not all the time, of course there were others who did better, I wasn't always on top. But I wasn't down below either. In other words, I didn't have to work as hard. I just have a way with words?


Like I "have a way with images". I knew nothing about photography(still know nothing about photography). &it was Cousin Elly who discovered me, concluding that I have an eye for photography after browsing through the pictures in my phone. "I take whatever that catches my eye," I simply told her.

"No, you're something," she insisted. "I'm a photo editor, so I should know a thing or two."

You see, I didn't have to do anything. I wasn't even the least interested in photography before. I simply brushed her comment off. But I still continued snapping pictures that "catch my eye" &they still impressed Elly big time. Wow, I thought, I'm good. I didn't know what I was doing, I AM good.

In Art for another example. I never knew I had it in me. I used past tense Had, because I don't know if I were to pick up a pencil &draw what's in front of me, could I still do it? I haven't been sketching for the longest time. I remembered I used to pick up sketching still life back in Secondary school.

These are some examples to name but few. At first I didn't let it get to me, but hey I was fucking young (as if I'm very old now huh..) &naive. It would get to you, all the compliments &praises. This what makes us human. I know it sounds like a excuse. So I'm using it.

I never had to work hard, I realized. I don't remember having to. I never go for writing workshops, or guitar lessons, or read up on photography(much..). This also has something to do with my easy nature. Easily-please, easily-satisfied, easily-delighted. Easily everything. I never tasted failure in what I did, that I didn't have to work for. That's why now when I get criticism, I find it very hard to swallow. Because I wasn't exposed to failure when I was younger. Everything I did I got a positive feedback. Hence I didn't know how to react to negative ones. I took it personal. I took it as something-is-wrong-with-me instead of something-is-wrong-with-my-writing/photographs.

Took? Take?

Now that I'm older, it's very hard to be open to criticism. My self esteem is fragile.

People can bring you down, even if they didn't mean to. It's hard for me to not succumbed to it, because of what i've been through. Or what I haven't been through, actually. Not that I didn't believe in myself enough, more like I believed in myself too much that I was so severely disappointed when I didn't get a positive recognition. Took a one-way ticket to self-pity city &it didn't look like I was leaving anytime soon. I was so miserable for days, I swear off doing what I enjoy, just because people had their opinions that happened to be wasn't what I wanted to hear.

There. If there's one thing that makes you go, "It sucks to be Lela", that would be it.
Someone special blogged @ 2:34 AM l

what's the most stupid thing a teenage girl from a single-parent family can do? bring home her boyfriend to meet the family.

what's the worst case scenario that could happen? when it turns out the mother doesn't like the boyfriend &violently disagrees of the relationship. i've seen the cheeriest of person break down in school because of it. i've witnessed, what i thought was a happy stable family, break down because of it. heck, we're it.

i think bringing home anyone, be it friend or boyfriend, to meet my whacked family, is something i find very intimate. well, i find luh. i used to think maybe i would consider introducing the future boyfriend to the family, but now after what happened, i think not.

it was supposed to be a fun night for us luh. then we spoilt it by being late. me from town, Lina from the west, Killer from home, Momster from work. then the situation was aggravated when Momster took this bad time to interrogate one of us &that totally murdered the moment. it was supposed to be our night.

however, cheese is FOREVER:)

i think it's inhuman how i could still find the appetite to eat even when the atmosphere that hung in the air was so tensed. it's insensitive. i was enjoying the pizza when Lina &Momster were apparently giving each other the silent treatment.

i gave Momster a piece of my mind. it was good. ps.you won't be able to read the entry unless you're my friend on eljay. to be my friend on eljay, make a free eljay account &let me add you:) encouraged, because i do have personal friends-only entries there. friends only:D &you are my friend if you know the names of my cats. HAHA???! well, just make an account &tag me.

the lashing was good. okay fine, it was disrespectful &a tad rude. created unnecessary tension but it felt good to speak up once a while.

Momster will be at home the whole day tomorrow &i am NOT looking forward to it:(

i bought loop earrings. not that it's pretty or that i wanted it or anything, because i kindar just grab it off the display on impulse, without looking if it looks good on me. ..... i had ulterior motive. i want to cut my hair again. ...you join the dots:)

today's highlight of the day is NOT the disastrous dinner at pizza hut with the whacked family. it is also NOT my bumping into Harith's girlfriend at AMK HUB &we actually did a double take. at the same time. as though she recognised me. i so recognised her. from the picture Harith showed from his wallet. it had burnt an image in my brain. &i, who never look at people around me when i walk, noticed her. i knew it was her straightaway.

it's like suddenly the world seemed like a different place to me....... it's odd. suddenly i was so aware of my surrounding. idk maybe i was thinking maybe he wasn't too far away????? pathetic, i know.

she is pretty:) the girlfriend. not the hotsex pretty. not the pretty that makes you want to hate her pretty. just simply pretty, pleasant to the eyes pretty. not fat at all, like what i thought. more like, what i kept telling myself. HAHA i am a patheticfuck. &she's so pretty.

that wasn't my highlight. it was too brief to be the highlight. too brief &too insignificant. too can't-put-my-finger-on. THIS was my highlight:

we finally met up! yay! did lots of catching up. had burger &fries on the CTE flyover overlooking the expressway. nobody was there when we came, unlike that night with Nana &Ali. the whole sretch was occupied.

Zaf is scared shit of heights. "we're not really going to sit on top right......" i heaved myself up &sat on the edge. you think? HAHA. okay i am a little scared of looking down myself. idk how people do it without getting all wonky.

more

thanks for the aweshum day, Zaffy. Belulah loves ya;)

okay i spot a huge spider. it's huge. huge-r than normal. huge-r than how i'd like it to be. with long skinny legs. i tried to kill it by squashing it with Lina's bottle of normal saline for her contacts. i missed horribly. HAHA.

LINA SNORES. SHIT. HAHA.

i had a dreamless night last night. &i like it. there are just something about dreamless nights.... it's like another whole new mystery altogether.
Someone special blogged @ 11:36 PM l

you know you're truly happy when you don't give a shit how fugly you look when you laugh like that. because you're truly, fabulously, extremely, outrageously, fuckingly enjoying that person's company until you don't care that there's a camera capturing every second of that insatanic (insane + satanic) moment &there are possibilities that looking back at those pictures will make you cry in incredulity at how ridiculous you were.

but at least you were happy &you were loved:)

needless to say i had one of the best Saturdays with Ali &Nana last night:D i KNOW. it's like it never ends. great day after next. i feel so blessed:)

went Ali's place to bake brownies with Nana. it was from a mix, but hey, it was still good. if you like cakey brownies:P but still. it was made with love. &it was good. &it was hershey's. anything with hershey's is good damn it.

headed out for dinner. reminisced over bland ¬-spicy fried rice &boring chicken noodle(the place shall remained anonymous...:O okay luh, actually it wasn't that bad:P). i LOVE reminiscing about the kental days with Nana &Ali.... we sat there laughing, at ourselves &at other people. especially at ourselves luh. heh.

our old jokes are still very funny:):)


tunnels have never been so fun. this is what the whole first paragraph meant......

then today, or just now, i had lunch with the cousins at
it's kindar like an annual thing:) except Lina wasn't with us.

Cousin Elly showed me her baby.. what baby? THIS baby:

FUCK I KNOW! i was soooooooo jealous! plus her photographer(an ACTUAL one, not sad amateurs like Elly&I) boyfriend bought her a 50mm lens for her recent birthday.

i shot this with my Canon S3 IS on macro

so you imagine what a 50mm lens can do! million times BETTER, that's what!!!!

went out shooting with her SLR for a bit after that. i LOVE her SLR. i thought i love my S3 but i think i love SLR. heh, no luh:PPP i still do love S3. ..ruefully. gosh! i hope i won't be like this in relationships:O!!!!!

boyfriends are like cameras? shit, imagine that. HA-HA.

omgst 50mm lens<33333 fuck i don't want a Harith for my birthday, i want a 50mm lens. .....which cost more than half of my S3!!!!!!!!!!!!! but the amazing macro shots you can get with 50mm lens. orgasmic. okay i will stop:P

this week has been fruitful &amazing. no words can justify how __ this week has been. it's more than a blessing. rekindle old friendships &create new ones. &i've more or less gone out make history &wonderful new memories with the people i've wanted to ..make history &wonderful new memories with... recall here. well, except for a few more of you......

Zafirah Abdul Ramzan, i see your pretty face on Tuesday:)
Someone special blogged @ 11:42 PM l

JustLELA


alter ago?

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